Royal Edict 101

A new king has arrived in town and he didn't like what he saw.

The laughter and the friendly atmosphere, the merry way and the flexible hour, they all irritated him immensely. Out of all the things that he hated, the one thing that he absolutely could not tolerate was the vast emptiness that he faced every morning when he surveyed his kingdom two hours before official working hour.

So he looked deep into himself and grabbed hold onto his leadership and said,

"Henceforth this day, I want to see everyone when I am here."

Feeling unsatisfied, he reflected upon his daily routine to search for some more evident or hint of his subjects' indolence. He realized that when return to his palace every afternoon before the setting of the winter sun, no one is keeping a watchful eye on the masses.

Feeling utterly disturbed, the king once again reached within himself and scoop up some more of those leadership that is oh so warm and sticky and aromatic and declared,

"Henceforth this day, not only I want to see everyone when I am here, no one can leave before the designated hour."

Feeling somewhat satisfied (for now), the king retreated to his throne room to cook up some more ways to improve productivity, corporate culture, internal communication and most importantly, to exercise his leadership while letting the Mayor to deal with the violent aftermath.

Moral of the story - I will be staying in the office a lot more while doing nothing at all, so I should be updating more now.

Long Live the King (Yah)

Testing of an old old theory

When I got my first job way back when, one of my friend came up to me and share this little gem.

“You will find the worst co-worker that you have be a Christian”

After all these years, I am not sure if it is true of not (very, probably like most things, some truth/not all wrong), but this episode happen just last week.

I was walking down the hallway in the company when this lady came up to me and ask,

“Are you going to **** church?”

“Yeah!” I said

“Ah! Someone told me that he/she saw you there.”

“I have been attending that church for a long time, so yeah” I reply

“Do you know that we have prayer meeting very Tuesday at lunch, do you know about it?”

“Yeah I heard about it.” I said

“Yeah, if you have time, please come and join us. Mostly those people from graphic
department and I will be there, but sometime Mr. A and Mr. B will come join us too.”

“I will see about it, if I have time I will come, yeah.” I declared

“Yeah!”

At this point I sort of say bye and go straight into the man’s bathroom because:

a) I am going to the washroom to start with,

b) I am just making sure the conversation end.

Let me clear up some thing:

a) We sure like to use say “yeah” a lot, so what, yeah,

b) The prayer meeting exists for a long time now, as far as a know, it is there way before I work in the company,

c) “The graphic people” knows about me as a Christian for a long time now. I have actually talk about church and stuff with their supervisor for more than enough occasions, and I am 100% sure that he attends the prayer meeting,

d) I never went because they never ask me to,

e) The most relevant point is, Mr. B. Let just say that no one in the company has any good to say about him, he is, shall I say, a dick.

So there you have it, maybe this little episode confirms my friend’s theory, and maybe it doesn’t. It in most likely, lie right in the middle of it, boring.


Have fun

Miscellaneous update

Super lazy week seems to turn into a super lazy month, and it is not helping that both "Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Trials and Tribulations" and "Dragon Quest Monsters: Joker" came out, I am totally zone out from reality man.


I am watching some Japanese Drama the other night and BAM! Rie Tomosaka is in episode 4 of Kaittekita Jikokeisatsu II. I am so happy I jump up from the sofa, lol. She looks as beauty as before and seems to be quite health too, I am so happy for her, I hope that she can have a nice and long career. I even find her blog too, lol, everybody do blog now.


Talk about movie star, last week one of my friend used my computer to email. He asked me who is the girl on my wallpaper:

So, I told him she is Tanaka Rena, and his response was "wow, retro!" Starting when does she become "retro"!!!!!!

Maybe I am just getting angry for no reason at all, but I really don't think she will be "retro" anytime soon, it least I hope so.

November marks that I have learn Guitar for four months already. Question Number 1, why no one seems to write any song in normal chord like A, Am, B, Bm, C, Cm......etc. It is always like Dm6, Abm6, Em7b5, Am7b5/Eb....etc. One again it proves that I am no artist at all.

Finally, find something that is kind of funny, maybe I am the only one that will find it funny.

Nodame Cantabile: Dream * Orchestra should be coming out in December, and I cannot find any place that can pre-order it, this is driving me up the wall, Aaaaarrrrrggggg.

Time for me to go de-stress.

Chill

Super Lazy week

Wow, talk about laziness, I just have one of the laziest 2 weeks for a long while now.

First of all, I didn't exercise, I didn't practise, I didn't blog, basically I just sitting around playing Wild Arm 5, lol.

Well, I still haven't finished it, but I think I have come out of its spell now. For the last few years, I find that as any games that I play is closer to the finish, I have less incentive to finish it. I really don't know why. At first, I thought it is because the games that I play suck. But when almost all the game I play have the same feeling, maybe it is not there is something wrong with those games, it probably is me that have something wrong, lol.

Recently there is a certain "star" that I am quite hmmm "like", however, there are nobody, nobody in this world that gonna believe that I like her eyes, why can't I like someone for their eyes? What a pathetic world.

Some ultra bad shit had happen in church this week. After thinking about it for 10 minutes, my command to my wife is "if a person's goal is only to get into heaven, which they already did, there is a lot of thing that they can do:. The command seems to upset her a lot, lol. I think a better question is: why are we not adopting this kind of mentality? lol.

Raptors season starts tonight, yoohoo, need to go turn on the TV now.

50+ win, go Raptors go!

Devotion Sharing: Matthew Chapter 1

I read Matthew 1 this morning in my devotion today, just want to share some thoughts on it.

1) The first thing that I think of is that some pastors has pointed out in the past, the list (unlike the usual Jewish family list) included a few female and gentile. Some of them draw the conclusion that it show God has included gentile in his plan all along, instead of something that is added on in the New Testament. They also argue that God is not sexist since God use both male and female. I don’t have much feeling on this issues, I guess my response to them is “Yeah, OK” kind of a deal for now. I do, however, find it quite “neat” that it does include some ladies and gentile.

2) Talking about those female on the list, what had Tamar ever do? Compare to the rest of the female cast: Rehab, Ruth, Uriah’s wife (Bathsheba), Mary (do I miss any?). What did she ever do? What is her story? I really cannot think of any at the moment.

3) Rehab, I wonder how they work out the law for marrying a gentile prostitute.

4) Not that I believe that there are any significant, but the 3 “fourteen generations” do look a little bit too convenient if you ask me.

5) How can someone divorce someone quietly? You know the whole village know she gonna marry this guy but she never have a wedding (which should be a noticeable event at those day) and always stay at her house, dud. Yah, Yah, Yah, I know what it means, just saying, that’s all.

6) I wonder how Joseph find out Mary is pregnant.

7) Joseph knows from an angel in a dream, Mary actually get to meet an angel, lol.

8) I like the way that Matthew cover the father side and Luke covers the mother side.

9) My feeling of the day is that it is more important to be obedience than what you actually accomplish (or what you thought you have or could). Look at the list of female, compare to the male in the list, they “accomplishment” might seem trivial with respect to people list Abraham, David, Solomon…etc. But when you look at what they have done, they recognize who is God and willing to obey God. One simple act of obedience has secured them into the plan of God. How obedience seems to be a question that we should ask ourselves each day.

Hope you all have fun doing your devotion every day, I sure have fun today, what a surprise, lol.

Fantasy of the month

I often fantasize about different stuffs, situations, etc…… I am sure that most people do that too.

SO, I am fantasizing the other day, and I am honestly thinking that I am losing it.

Here we go:

I am working in a company (duh) and the company sends to work in a foreign country for a year (or more don’t really matter). So I get to live in a small apartment in a foreign city. Slowly I get to know the neighbour that lives beside me (a middle-age couple with no children for all who care). And I also get to know the owner of a book store that introduces me to some nice poem books.

YES, as I am saying, I am losing it.

Since I am in this nice topic of losing it, my paranoia seems to be acting up again after learned that there is a house get broke in very close by, sigh.

I am very restless for about 3 months now, maybe, just maybe, MIDLIFE CRISIS????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Talk about 3 months, after 3 months of self learning guitar, I still cannot play a decent song, I wonder am I on track (notice the non-disappointment).

Talk about learning stuff, learning new stuff is one of those signs of someone is having a midlife crisis. Wow, now that circle is complete.

My life is almost done now, you can stick a fork in it.

When you are well done, you are done.

NoDame regret.

I read a few blogs/forums that are talking about the TV series のだめカンタービレ today. Apparently, there are quite a few people regret the fact that they do not learn any musical instrument or do not continue to learn their instrument when they were young.

Do I few regret about not be able to pick up an instrument? I don’t know. I do have 3 chances in my life to pick up an instrument. The first time is when in grade 2 to grade 3, for some reason (too young to remember) I was learning melodica in school. I even went to perform the regional 1000 people concert (don’t remember the exact name) which more than a thousand kids attend and play at the same time, we are even on the prime time news, lol. Too bad that the next year I have to change school and that is the end of that. The new school has no such thing.

The second time is when I was around 10-11 years old. One of my friend (which also my family’s friend) is learning violin, and he asked me if I want to learn too. I said that I will go check it out and I think I have attended 1 lesson. For some reason, we never talk about it ever again and that is it.

The third time is when I was 12, my school provides all students with extra-curricular music lesson, which we can sign up for one instrument and get free classes. My friend and I both sign up for the flute, and we later find out that since there are only three people (I really want to know even to this day that who is the third moron) sign up for flute classes, there won’t be any flute class. And of course, the school did not follow up on us, did not bump us to other classes (maybe because it is too full), the school just ignore us and since we are, you know, busy in our study, did not find out (or remember) about it for a long, long time.

I don’t know, should I blame the twisted hand of fate? I don’t even know does it count as regret since I am not responsible for any (or most) of what happen. I am not sure if I want to anyways. Even since grade 3, I always fail (or almost) my music class, especially the part that they ask me to do beat by clapping my hands. There is nothing musical in my life, I listen to songs for their lyrics, classical music make me fall asleep and the modern one bore me to tears. I have absolute no idea why I feel……unsettle……after watching the show.

As to why I am learning to play guitar now? I have no idea, I just feel like I need to do it.

What a fool.

Going to practice my pinky finger again, darn that retard finger

Hopeless-ly in Love

Mrs and I watched a TV show last night (のだめカンタービレ). The setting of the show (TV version maybe a little bit different than the manga version, since I do not have the chance to read the manga yet, I don’t know) is in a music university, they are both piano faculty students. The boy is inspired to become a conductor and the girl is described by everyone in the show, a weirdo. The girl is very much in love with the boy, the boy however, using one of the lines in the show, cares about her not even as much as cares about a sick stray dog on the street.

I have a dream last night, in the dream, a girl is crying and trying to play the piano at the same time. She just keeps on crying and crying, while her hands is playing a mixture or children song and classical song (too bad I don’t know much about music, or else I can better describe what I have dreamt). I don’t seem to be able to shake away her crying in my mind.

When I woke up from her crying, I remembered someone that I haven’t been thinking about for a long time. I remembered her, a girl that for at least one year is my classmate and the centre of my life.

I still remember her smiles and her face clearly, the way she pinched me so hard that I have bruises all over my arms. Love is blind, it probably is so much more so to a 14 years old. I remembered one day my father said to me “You know when you are younger, you always sleepwalking when you were younger. You haven’t been sleepwalking for a long time now until last night. You were sleepwalking and crying and looking for your mom”. I have no idea that had happened, all I know is that I dropped 20 pounds that year.

Life goes on, I have gained way way more than 20 pounds. What changed is that nowadays I really cannot tolerate the feeling of no matter what you do, you cannot change anything. I will do almost anything to get away from that feeling. Someone has let me taste the taste of hopeless.

I still like her you see, whenever I think of her, I still feel nothing but love, nothing malice.

I just wish I can shake away the crying in my mind.

Early morning

Mid-Autumn Festival

Today is the Mid-Autumn festival, let's talk about it.

I always thought that the word "autumn" very romantic. When I grow up, we learned the word "autumn" instead of "fall" for the season between summer and winter. I still remember that it gave me so much hard time to try to learn the word autumn. Unlike all the other word that looks more "make sense", the word "autumn" just looks strange. It looks like "au" + ""tu" + something that cannot pronounce. Maybe that's why I always like the word "autumn", and I think that from liking the word, it slowly become liking the whole season (I grow up in the sub-tropical, so there is not much or an autumn).

When I came to Canada, it is like, fall? Fall what?? Fall term? I don't want to fall my whole term.

I don't like the fact now I lot of people just call it the moon festival. Moon my you know what, I know there are moon-cake, you suppose to look at the moon (sorry, enjoying the great view of the moon), it is the Mid-autumn my friend, don't make it sound like a festival of people wearing no pants.

Am I the only one the feel that? If I listen to that darn commercial on the radio about at the "MOON festival" you can go to eat some suckling pig at the local "M" restaurant, I will tear all my hair out. Suckling pig? What suckling pig? How does it have to do with suckling pig?

Maybe I am old fashion, but I still like my ultra-romantic, walking under the bright, bright moon at the autumn night kind of festival.

Time to raid the "Moon" cake.


Chill

Want to see A movie

Talking about movie that I want to see at the TIFF (Toronto International File Festival), the one that I truly want to see badly is Sukiyaki Western Django. (Don't worry, you won't get rick rolled, don't know what I am talking about? click here (Don't say I did not warn you))

I wonder how can I get my hand on it when it comes out in DVD (I am not betting that it will gets show at the theater here in Canada).

I always get hooked on this kind of movie, MRS will probably said that because I am an odd ball. I just hope that I am not offending anyone by saying that it is the director that get me interested as well as the setting.

Let just cross my fingers that it is as good as it looks.


Chill

Bayside Emotion

Recently I had a chance to have dinner with someone who just got the home broken into while one of them at home. It is a very dramatic experience for both of them. I thank God that they are feeling better now (especially the one who are in the house when t happen), the whole ordeal also remind me of my own struggle.

About few years ago, there are about half a year that I can hardly sleep at all. Every night, I cannot sleep no matter what I try, and when I am finally fall asleep due to exhaustion. I will “snap” and wake up every 15 minutes or so.

It is a very hard to describe feeling, the only word that I can think of is “snap”. It is like you have fallen into sleep, but you feel like you are not sleeping at the same time. Then, you are wide awake by some sort of loud noise, a snapping sound inside your body. Or you feel that your heart suddenly pumps so hard for one beat that you can feel through your whole body. You know that there is no sound outside but you could swear that you have actually heard the loud noise, the snap, the beat.

It all started when I was afraid of someone will break into my home back then.

Now, I am starting to afraid someone will break into my house, again.

The harder you want to not thinking about something, the harder you try to be calm, you get exactly what you don’t want.

How can one keep the monster at bay?

I wish everyone that is experiencing what I had experienced or what I am experiencing good luck, it is a daily struggle and I just want to say that you are not alone and we all can win the battle together.

One night of sleep sometime do worth more than gold and I wish everyone a good night sleep, every night.

One early morning

The Sand of Life

God gave us memories that we might have roses in December. - John M. Barrie

Event 1

My wife and I went to see a movie with one of our friends today. We first met up in a crepe house and enjoy a delightful lunch there, and then we walked around a bit in the wonderful weather before we went to the theater. After the show, we drove back to church for the evening fellowship but caught in a huge traffic jam. Although we are stuck for more than an hour, we had a fun time talking about this and that, nothing grand or earth-shaking. After fellowship, we three went out for dinner with some more brothers and sisters. Nothing series, but we all laughed through our dinner. At the end of the day, we dropped out our friend to pick up her car.

Event 2

One of our friends is going back to Hong Kong after she finished her schooling. So we all go out and have dinner with her to farewell her. Since it is quite a lot of us, we don’t have a lot of “individual time” with her. We all, however, have a very happy time and she seems very emotional all evening.

Event 3

Finally we have invited the couple (that I have mention in August) to come for dinner this Saturday. I usually hate this sort of event but this time I am actually can’t wait till Saturday to come.

When I was younger, I will find this sort of “meeting” boring and boring and boring and boring. I don’t know why, but this sort of “meeting” nowadays will sometimes leave me with a sense of completeness. I am still not looking forward to this sort of things, but at least mow I am not as cynical about them. Am I getting “soft”? I am not being convinced that getting older is the main reason of my change. Moreover, I even feel that I should email them and thank them for the good time. Come on, this is getting too much. If this trend continues, I will soon send them a scented basket with some teas and chocolates!

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because I am not. What I am saying is that what the heck is going on! May be I should blame the MRS for soften me up. Time to kick her behind tonight, MORTAL COMBAAAAAATTTTTTTTT!!!

If this is my last post, you know what’s the deal is.

Diarrhea Steals My Friends

Ever since I am about sixteen, I have a problem.

I hate people have love that is like diarrhea, they cannot control it, cannot stop it, and it is everywhere.

Whenever anyone has any problem, even when they are clearly need some space and alone time, they drop their love on them like a bomb.

More than a thousand times, when my friend that I care of run into some sort of problem and they really don’t want to be bothered by anyone at all.

I, as a friend, will try to respectfully keep my distance, let them get some air while the diarrhea people will immediately attack the opening and bomb their bombs.

As I watch on day by day, they are getting closer and closer, while when I ask them if they are ok, the reply I get is “ Get away from me, nothing is wrong with me” (honest to God, it actually happens to me one time if my memory is not make up by my self-pity).

It is so unfair, I thought I am trying to do the right thing, and my right thing apparently is going nowhere.

So what is my problem, I really want to know.

If I close my eyes, I can see all of their faces, smiling and talking.

I miss my friends, I miss them dearly.


Hope they have a nice life.

Self Inflicted Shame

Let’s continue the story from the last post. According to my wife, she received an email from the couple (not me, as always); they have actually return and look for us. Apparently, the wife still felt the effect of the ordeal and don’t want to get crowded by the horde of people (something she don’t feel ready to do), that is why she is running out of the church. After they run out of the church and saw the middle age jerk with a frown, they fell bad and come back and look for us to do lunch together. In the email, they specifically tell my wife to say sorry to me. Now, have you ever kick yourself at the groin, which is actually what I feel. Sigh!

I don’t like inconsiderate people; therefore this is very hard for me to swallow. Especially when I do it on two people that I care about quite a lot. I am planning to send them an email, but man, I am not sure what should I write. I think I think about useless stuff like this too much.


I HATE IT!!

Circumstantial Alienation

Today, I decided to wake up and go to church. One reason is for the service, another reason is that I hope I can catch 2 friends (a pair of couple actually) that I haven't seen for around six months.

So, we get up early (me and my wife), and reach the church a little bit before the noon service (do you get the funny part about getting up early to go to the noon service?). I don't know whether they would show up or not, probably should call them before, but I really really wish that I can see them and I have this feeling deep inside me that I will see them.

After about five to ten minutes and a little chit chat with some of my friends, I finally spot them running down the stair and I start wave my hand like a fool to catch their attention.

I guess that they must be in some sort of world record rush. The wife run from the stair to the door and straight out to the parking lot (I am standing right beside the door and there are quite a few people at the foyer at that time), I am not sure if she spotted me or not cause the only thing I get from her is a cold glance (or miss me altogether). The husband while spotted me, run straight out past me and stop at the space that between the two sets of glass door. He asks me whats'up and by that time I am already not very happy so I didn't answer him right away. My wife answers for me and tell him that we just want to say hi. Maybe I already look extremely unhappy enough that he asked me (or us) again whats'up. My wife assured him that we (or me) just want to say hi. So he gave me this call him sign, and go after his wife.

I feel so sad that if I double the sadness, I can cry. My head gives me more than enough reasons to tell me that there is nothing, just people being busy. My heart, however, is being flooded with immense sadness. I don't want to just say hi, there are a lot of things that I want to talk to them about:

I WANT TO CONGRATULATE THEM FOR HAVING A BABY

I WANT TO CONSOLE THEM ON THE BAD THING THAT HAPPEN TO THEM RECENTLY

I WANT TO ASK THEM ABOUT THE LAST SIX MONTHS

I JUST WANT TO TALK TO THEM; I DO NOT WANT TO JUST SAY HI

Even when I think about it now, I can scream at the top of my lung.

Am I being foolish? Or Am I just being unreasonable? I don't know…

Sometimes little thing happen, nobody is trying to hurt anybody, but despite our best effort, little thing happen.

They are like a snow flake, easily brush aside, but your coat does get a little bit wet.

Little by little, bit by bit, it freezes your feeling and numbs your soul. It drags your feet slower and lays heavily on your coat.

Until one day that you cannot take it anymore, cannot endure the pain anymore, cannot feel warm anymore.

Maybe I just want someone to care about my feeling, for just one split second, put me in the middle of their universe.

Maybe it is nothing but a fool's yearning.

Of course, they are also 99.9% chance of me being difficult, that possibility is screaming at the back of my head for 14 hours now.

Can a guy not be a little bit melodrama for a couple of minutes? Geez! That's no fun at all.

All kidding aside, we all do alienate people around us accidentally, and I would even say that it happens quite frequently too. And accidently or not, we all can feel its sting. I wish I am one of those strong hearted people and just brush it aside, instead of taking it like a personal insult.

Sigh, this is all so useless, even if I have the courage tell them, so what? So what indeed.

I wish them to have a beautiful child, no more bad thing that happen to their whole family, and a lifetime of love from heaven and earth, *hug**hug**kiss**kiss*.

Hope they have sweet dream every night.

Time for me to go toss around in the bed (thank God for giving me a wife that cannot even wake by an earthquake).

Chill

Mad Mad World vs. Sad Sad World

I have received some news about one of my friends yesterday from my wife. My friend was in her house as 2 burglars broke into in. The good thing (or lucky, if you believe in luck) about it is that the burglars did not notice that she was in the house at the time and fail to notice her since she hide herself.

Have you ever feel so relieve and so mad at the same time? I feel so relieved not only because the burglars fail to find her, let just say that a very beautiful young lady plus 2 burglars is not a scenario that you would even want to ponder upon. I feel so relieve for both her and her husband (which is my friend also). Even I know it is not something that getting mad can help, I feel so mad that they have the chance to almost hurt my friends. I know, it is kind of illogical, but I actually like the fact that I feel mad. I know that it is because I care about them (have not get in touch with them for about six months now), maybe I am not as heartless as I think I am.

You see the story is this; we used to go to the same church together. I know the husband ever since high school and I only know the wife for a few years. Around March of this year, they decided to “try” other churches and I haven’t talk to them ever since. I remembered I joked about “deleted them from my memory since I haven’t seen them for quite awhile” with some of our mutual friends. Now I miss them immensely.

I don’t think, however, missing them or not means anything in this world. We are ok friend I think, the husband and me, but I don’t think we will ever be better friend than that. The wife and me, because of social constrain reasons, shall always remain social friend. Hey, I just want to be respectful and polite, you know. They are what I call, the popular couple, everyone seems to like them and I really don’t thing they need a weirdo in their life. My wife will say I have no self-esteem, maybe I am, maybe I am.

Anyway, so I ask my wife if she has called them and talk to them, to make sure if they are ok. I am really surprised to hear her said that she hasn’t called them. Apparently it is because she gets the news from a second hand source and she don’t want them to think them everyone know about what happen and calling them may cause more harm than good that way.

I don’t know man; it is such a mess up world that we are living in if we cannot even call someone we care for such a confusing reason. It makes my head hurt, maybe I am too simple for this world, or maybe I am too stupid.

Be safe and live with no regret.

Chill

Getting older with painful finger(s)

One of my New Year resolutions for this year is to learn one sport, one musical instrument and one foreign language. So to kick start (at August, of course) my resolution, I have brought a guitar last week.

O Man! Not that I mind the pain a lot, what I don’t like is the fact that I am slow. When I shared to the Mrs., I got the usually response “You are too negative la, you are doing fine”. For once, I did not disagree with her out right. I am sure that I am doing fine as a middle age oldie, but I am definitely not fine as the young handsome that I think I am.

This is not the first sign that I am no longer young and handsome. I start to find myself feeling hard to remember new stuff, hard to recall what I should know accurately and hard to feel excited (not what you are thinking YOU PERVERT) about new thing in life.

Not that I have nothing to look forward to when I am getting old, you know. My father is way more manly and attractive at forty than in thirty, and maybe finally I can get some better service in the restaurant (why are they always dis-ing the younger one, they are usually the one with the most disposable income), people will at least listen to what I have to say before kick me out of the room (or store), you know, little benefits here and there.

In general, just like life, getting old suck. Assuming I can actually learn how to play the darn thing, I am way past the age that I can:

a) Entice some young and naïve (and beautiful and loaded, why not),

b) Looking like a rock star (rolling stone joke insert here),

c) Not looking like a geek (image a middle age fatso with a guitar that hanging in front of him at a awkward angle because of the belly),

d) Play more than 15 minutes without straining some muscle.

If I am going to have a daughter and I get to play for her for a few years (before the parents are geek age), it will be all worth it I guess. Never thought of playing for the Mrs. though, does it automatically make be a sucky hubby (don’t ask)?

Wishing myself luck, I am not sure if I am looking forward to learn the other two. I love to learn (still, at least) new stuffs you know, just the feeling of no cool (kewl?) that deflate me.

Chill and Rock On (do they still say that?)

Sitting in the corner of nowhere

Very recently, I have found out that 3 of my friends have been blogging for quite sometimes now. The shocking part about this is that I never Image them to be the blogging kind and I have known them for quite sometimes now (the shortest one is at least 4 years).

Just like them, I am blogging here at this vast space that calls the internet. The topics that I share, the feelings that I express, sit and wait. With the hope that maybe someone will stumble upon it, like it and be better with it. It is like dreaming the impossible dream, yearning the untouchable to come and steals our heart.

I have mix feeling about someone actually reading anything that I posted. Maybe it is because I am not sure about my writing, or perhaps it is because I am not comfortable about my own being. Maybe at the end of the day, I am not really doing this for anyone else, but myself and the catharsis that come with it.

Sitting in the place in the corner of nowhere, it is the loneliest place, it is the happiest place.

Chill

The mystery of love and marriage

I still remember when I was young (8-10 around), one of my parents asked me do I want to get marry when I grow up. I vividly remember my answer was “I will never get marry”. Little did I know back then, in a few more years, I will be crying for my first love (13 if I remember correctly).

I used to think about what love is and I still remember that whenever I read or hear someone proclaim “Love is ……”, I will find it hugely inadequate. Well, besides being a proud young man, I do believe there is some merit to it. We all agree (hopefully) that love is a wonderful thing (this is not a Michael Bolton reference, ok), but I don’t think we can imagine all the scenario of love. When we try to confine the broad spectrum of love into a small window, we are doing love no justice.

Even to this day, I really am not sure why I love my wife. I am not saying that I don’t love my wife, but there are times if I look at my behaviours, I cannot really say that I do. Come to think of it, there are definitely times that I do things that will make her unhappy, and I do it deliberately. There are just as much occasions that I intentionally do not do things that will make her happy. Even worse, a lot of times I will not think of her when I make a decision, and when she makes a decision, I often fell not happy about it.

From a more “objective” angle to take a look at our relationship it is even more “funny”. I still remember the look on our marital counselor’s face when he takes a look at our Myers-Briggs’ score. I guess he never seen anyone as polar opposite then us. When she is E-90, I am like I-90, and down the lists are exactly is same huge gap. He is very concern about we try to get to the middle and becoming more alike (and we do believe to a certain extend), but we are more enjoying the fact that we are so opposite. To us, there are a lot more benefits to being not the same than being the same.

I often told (and still do) my wife that I don’t love her a lot and she always said that it is ok. She understands that I am only being honest and in my own mind, I am not doing the best job that I can do. And by recognizing the truth, I am trying to be better. It is the trying that is my love for her, not who much I have now. On the other hand, she bombards me with her “love you love you” daily and when I am not responding, she understands it is just our differences talking, not me.

Life is surely sucks when you trying to talk about a deep and meaningful topic such as love and it turns into a shameless praise to the wife for their understanding. Booooooooooooooooooo!!!

It is the mystery of love and marriage I guess.


Chill

Secret blogging

I have been trying to find time to blog again and it suddenly hit me. I have a problem of letting my wife know that I am blogging. For some reason, I just don’t want her to find out yet that I have been blogging.

The first thing come to my mine about letting her knowing it is her positive attitude about it:

“It is wonderful honey, what are you blogging about?”

“Wow, I like to read what you have read, I bet is great.”

“You should keep on blogging cause you are better than 97% of the people in writing (long story, maybe I will share about it someday).”

Don’t get me wrong, one of the reasons that my wife is my wife is exactly this, enthusiasm. My wife always call me the King of Discouragment (hence the title), and I always call her the queen of encourager. Being the polar opposite (or should I say complementary) of each other is something that we well aware of and treasure. There are, however, times that her positivity is just too much for me. Compounding the fact that she is an extrovert and I am more on the other side sometime will create an overloading kind of situation or me.

On any even deeper level, there are things that I don’t mind share with anyone else but her. I know it sound very un-loving but it is true. It is an issue that I think I need to ponder upon further before I can put my finger on it.

One more reason that I can think of Is that it is not something that I don’t need more pressure with. You know life suck as it is, no one need more pressure from doing something that is recreational. For me, blogging is my hobby (if it makes sense) and if she knows, I need to think about thing carefully instead of just type away. She probably ask me why I haven’t update, why I choose a certain topic, why this and why that. Let just say that I am not ready for someone to check on my hobby schedule yet.

Well, so consider whoever (if there is any) reading this lucky I guess, have fun and have more fun doing something else.


Chill

Starting on the wrong foot?

I have been thinking about blogging for awhile now but you know just like most things in life, the lack of urgency creates multitude of excuses. When the sea of excuses meet with the wave of laziness, probably nothing good will come from it.

So today, when I once again have this tiny little urge to blog, I Ctr-T for a tab, start a new account on blogger (which is the only web blog site I can remember off the top of my head, usually I need at least a few days of intense researching before I commit to anything), and type away.

The funny thing is (believe it or not) I suddenly realized that I am at work, not home. My first and ever post, posting from my work, this surely is not a good sign.

How am I suppose to end a post anyways? Damn! Should have do some research first, now I look like an Internet moron.

Chill