Hopeless-ly in Love

Mrs and I watched a TV show last night (のだめカンタービレ). The setting of the show (TV version maybe a little bit different than the manga version, since I do not have the chance to read the manga yet, I don’t know) is in a music university, they are both piano faculty students. The boy is inspired to become a conductor and the girl is described by everyone in the show, a weirdo. The girl is very much in love with the boy, the boy however, using one of the lines in the show, cares about her not even as much as cares about a sick stray dog on the street.

I have a dream last night, in the dream, a girl is crying and trying to play the piano at the same time. She just keeps on crying and crying, while her hands is playing a mixture or children song and classical song (too bad I don’t know much about music, or else I can better describe what I have dreamt). I don’t seem to be able to shake away her crying in my mind.

When I woke up from her crying, I remembered someone that I haven’t been thinking about for a long time. I remembered her, a girl that for at least one year is my classmate and the centre of my life.

I still remember her smiles and her face clearly, the way she pinched me so hard that I have bruises all over my arms. Love is blind, it probably is so much more so to a 14 years old. I remembered one day my father said to me “You know when you are younger, you always sleepwalking when you were younger. You haven’t been sleepwalking for a long time now until last night. You were sleepwalking and crying and looking for your mom”. I have no idea that had happened, all I know is that I dropped 20 pounds that year.

Life goes on, I have gained way way more than 20 pounds. What changed is that nowadays I really cannot tolerate the feeling of no matter what you do, you cannot change anything. I will do almost anything to get away from that feeling. Someone has let me taste the taste of hopeless.

I still like her you see, whenever I think of her, I still feel nothing but love, nothing malice.

I just wish I can shake away the crying in my mind.

Early morning