Circumstantial Alienation

Today, I decided to wake up and go to church. One reason is for the service, another reason is that I hope I can catch 2 friends (a pair of couple actually) that I haven't seen for around six months.

So, we get up early (me and my wife), and reach the church a little bit before the noon service (do you get the funny part about getting up early to go to the noon service?). I don't know whether they would show up or not, probably should call them before, but I really really wish that I can see them and I have this feeling deep inside me that I will see them.

After about five to ten minutes and a little chit chat with some of my friends, I finally spot them running down the stair and I start wave my hand like a fool to catch their attention.

I guess that they must be in some sort of world record rush. The wife run from the stair to the door and straight out to the parking lot (I am standing right beside the door and there are quite a few people at the foyer at that time), I am not sure if she spotted me or not cause the only thing I get from her is a cold glance (or miss me altogether). The husband while spotted me, run straight out past me and stop at the space that between the two sets of glass door. He asks me whats'up and by that time I am already not very happy so I didn't answer him right away. My wife answers for me and tell him that we just want to say hi. Maybe I already look extremely unhappy enough that he asked me (or us) again whats'up. My wife assured him that we (or me) just want to say hi. So he gave me this call him sign, and go after his wife.

I feel so sad that if I double the sadness, I can cry. My head gives me more than enough reasons to tell me that there is nothing, just people being busy. My heart, however, is being flooded with immense sadness. I don't want to just say hi, there are a lot of things that I want to talk to them about:

I WANT TO CONGRATULATE THEM FOR HAVING A BABY

I WANT TO CONSOLE THEM ON THE BAD THING THAT HAPPEN TO THEM RECENTLY

I WANT TO ASK THEM ABOUT THE LAST SIX MONTHS

I JUST WANT TO TALK TO THEM; I DO NOT WANT TO JUST SAY HI

Even when I think about it now, I can scream at the top of my lung.

Am I being foolish? Or Am I just being unreasonable? I don't know…

Sometimes little thing happen, nobody is trying to hurt anybody, but despite our best effort, little thing happen.

They are like a snow flake, easily brush aside, but your coat does get a little bit wet.

Little by little, bit by bit, it freezes your feeling and numbs your soul. It drags your feet slower and lays heavily on your coat.

Until one day that you cannot take it anymore, cannot endure the pain anymore, cannot feel warm anymore.

Maybe I just want someone to care about my feeling, for just one split second, put me in the middle of their universe.

Maybe it is nothing but a fool's yearning.

Of course, they are also 99.9% chance of me being difficult, that possibility is screaming at the back of my head for 14 hours now.

Can a guy not be a little bit melodrama for a couple of minutes? Geez! That's no fun at all.

All kidding aside, we all do alienate people around us accidentally, and I would even say that it happens quite frequently too. And accidently or not, we all can feel its sting. I wish I am one of those strong hearted people and just brush it aside, instead of taking it like a personal insult.

Sigh, this is all so useless, even if I have the courage tell them, so what? So what indeed.

I wish them to have a beautiful child, no more bad thing that happen to their whole family, and a lifetime of love from heaven and earth, *hug**hug**kiss**kiss*.

Hope they have sweet dream every night.

Time for me to go toss around in the bed (thank God for giving me a wife that cannot even wake by an earthquake).

Chill

Mad Mad World vs. Sad Sad World

I have received some news about one of my friends yesterday from my wife. My friend was in her house as 2 burglars broke into in. The good thing (or lucky, if you believe in luck) about it is that the burglars did not notice that she was in the house at the time and fail to notice her since she hide herself.

Have you ever feel so relieve and so mad at the same time? I feel so relieved not only because the burglars fail to find her, let just say that a very beautiful young lady plus 2 burglars is not a scenario that you would even want to ponder upon. I feel so relieve for both her and her husband (which is my friend also). Even I know it is not something that getting mad can help, I feel so mad that they have the chance to almost hurt my friends. I know, it is kind of illogical, but I actually like the fact that I feel mad. I know that it is because I care about them (have not get in touch with them for about six months now), maybe I am not as heartless as I think I am.

You see the story is this; we used to go to the same church together. I know the husband ever since high school and I only know the wife for a few years. Around March of this year, they decided to “try” other churches and I haven’t talk to them ever since. I remembered I joked about “deleted them from my memory since I haven’t seen them for quite awhile” with some of our mutual friends. Now I miss them immensely.

I don’t think, however, missing them or not means anything in this world. We are ok friend I think, the husband and me, but I don’t think we will ever be better friend than that. The wife and me, because of social constrain reasons, shall always remain social friend. Hey, I just want to be respectful and polite, you know. They are what I call, the popular couple, everyone seems to like them and I really don’t thing they need a weirdo in their life. My wife will say I have no self-esteem, maybe I am, maybe I am.

Anyway, so I ask my wife if she has called them and talk to them, to make sure if they are ok. I am really surprised to hear her said that she hasn’t called them. Apparently it is because she gets the news from a second hand source and she don’t want them to think them everyone know about what happen and calling them may cause more harm than good that way.

I don’t know man; it is such a mess up world that we are living in if we cannot even call someone we care for such a confusing reason. It makes my head hurt, maybe I am too simple for this world, or maybe I am too stupid.

Be safe and live with no regret.

Chill

Getting older with painful finger(s)

One of my New Year resolutions for this year is to learn one sport, one musical instrument and one foreign language. So to kick start (at August, of course) my resolution, I have brought a guitar last week.

O Man! Not that I mind the pain a lot, what I don’t like is the fact that I am slow. When I shared to the Mrs., I got the usually response “You are too negative la, you are doing fine”. For once, I did not disagree with her out right. I am sure that I am doing fine as a middle age oldie, but I am definitely not fine as the young handsome that I think I am.

This is not the first sign that I am no longer young and handsome. I start to find myself feeling hard to remember new stuff, hard to recall what I should know accurately and hard to feel excited (not what you are thinking YOU PERVERT) about new thing in life.

Not that I have nothing to look forward to when I am getting old, you know. My father is way more manly and attractive at forty than in thirty, and maybe finally I can get some better service in the restaurant (why are they always dis-ing the younger one, they are usually the one with the most disposable income), people will at least listen to what I have to say before kick me out of the room (or store), you know, little benefits here and there.

In general, just like life, getting old suck. Assuming I can actually learn how to play the darn thing, I am way past the age that I can:

a) Entice some young and naïve (and beautiful and loaded, why not),

b) Looking like a rock star (rolling stone joke insert here),

c) Not looking like a geek (image a middle age fatso with a guitar that hanging in front of him at a awkward angle because of the belly),

d) Play more than 15 minutes without straining some muscle.

If I am going to have a daughter and I get to play for her for a few years (before the parents are geek age), it will be all worth it I guess. Never thought of playing for the Mrs. though, does it automatically make be a sucky hubby (don’t ask)?

Wishing myself luck, I am not sure if I am looking forward to learn the other two. I love to learn (still, at least) new stuffs you know, just the feeling of no cool (kewl?) that deflate me.

Chill and Rock On (do they still say that?)

Sitting in the corner of nowhere

Very recently, I have found out that 3 of my friends have been blogging for quite sometimes now. The shocking part about this is that I never Image them to be the blogging kind and I have known them for quite sometimes now (the shortest one is at least 4 years).

Just like them, I am blogging here at this vast space that calls the internet. The topics that I share, the feelings that I express, sit and wait. With the hope that maybe someone will stumble upon it, like it and be better with it. It is like dreaming the impossible dream, yearning the untouchable to come and steals our heart.

I have mix feeling about someone actually reading anything that I posted. Maybe it is because I am not sure about my writing, or perhaps it is because I am not comfortable about my own being. Maybe at the end of the day, I am not really doing this for anyone else, but myself and the catharsis that come with it.

Sitting in the place in the corner of nowhere, it is the loneliest place, it is the happiest place.

Chill

The mystery of love and marriage

I still remember when I was young (8-10 around), one of my parents asked me do I want to get marry when I grow up. I vividly remember my answer was “I will never get marry”. Little did I know back then, in a few more years, I will be crying for my first love (13 if I remember correctly).

I used to think about what love is and I still remember that whenever I read or hear someone proclaim “Love is ……”, I will find it hugely inadequate. Well, besides being a proud young man, I do believe there is some merit to it. We all agree (hopefully) that love is a wonderful thing (this is not a Michael Bolton reference, ok), but I don’t think we can imagine all the scenario of love. When we try to confine the broad spectrum of love into a small window, we are doing love no justice.

Even to this day, I really am not sure why I love my wife. I am not saying that I don’t love my wife, but there are times if I look at my behaviours, I cannot really say that I do. Come to think of it, there are definitely times that I do things that will make her unhappy, and I do it deliberately. There are just as much occasions that I intentionally do not do things that will make her happy. Even worse, a lot of times I will not think of her when I make a decision, and when she makes a decision, I often fell not happy about it.

From a more “objective” angle to take a look at our relationship it is even more “funny”. I still remember the look on our marital counselor’s face when he takes a look at our Myers-Briggs’ score. I guess he never seen anyone as polar opposite then us. When she is E-90, I am like I-90, and down the lists are exactly is same huge gap. He is very concern about we try to get to the middle and becoming more alike (and we do believe to a certain extend), but we are more enjoying the fact that we are so opposite. To us, there are a lot more benefits to being not the same than being the same.

I often told (and still do) my wife that I don’t love her a lot and she always said that it is ok. She understands that I am only being honest and in my own mind, I am not doing the best job that I can do. And by recognizing the truth, I am trying to be better. It is the trying that is my love for her, not who much I have now. On the other hand, she bombards me with her “love you love you” daily and when I am not responding, she understands it is just our differences talking, not me.

Life is surely sucks when you trying to talk about a deep and meaningful topic such as love and it turns into a shameless praise to the wife for their understanding. Booooooooooooooooooo!!!

It is the mystery of love and marriage I guess.


Chill

Secret blogging

I have been trying to find time to blog again and it suddenly hit me. I have a problem of letting my wife know that I am blogging. For some reason, I just don’t want her to find out yet that I have been blogging.

The first thing come to my mine about letting her knowing it is her positive attitude about it:

“It is wonderful honey, what are you blogging about?”

“Wow, I like to read what you have read, I bet is great.”

“You should keep on blogging cause you are better than 97% of the people in writing (long story, maybe I will share about it someday).”

Don’t get me wrong, one of the reasons that my wife is my wife is exactly this, enthusiasm. My wife always call me the King of Discouragment (hence the title), and I always call her the queen of encourager. Being the polar opposite (or should I say complementary) of each other is something that we well aware of and treasure. There are, however, times that her positivity is just too much for me. Compounding the fact that she is an extrovert and I am more on the other side sometime will create an overloading kind of situation or me.

On any even deeper level, there are things that I don’t mind share with anyone else but her. I know it sound very un-loving but it is true. It is an issue that I think I need to ponder upon further before I can put my finger on it.

One more reason that I can think of Is that it is not something that I don’t need more pressure with. You know life suck as it is, no one need more pressure from doing something that is recreational. For me, blogging is my hobby (if it makes sense) and if she knows, I need to think about thing carefully instead of just type away. She probably ask me why I haven’t update, why I choose a certain topic, why this and why that. Let just say that I am not ready for someone to check on my hobby schedule yet.

Well, so consider whoever (if there is any) reading this lucky I guess, have fun and have more fun doing something else.


Chill

Starting on the wrong foot?

I have been thinking about blogging for awhile now but you know just like most things in life, the lack of urgency creates multitude of excuses. When the sea of excuses meet with the wave of laziness, probably nothing good will come from it.

So today, when I once again have this tiny little urge to blog, I Ctr-T for a tab, start a new account on blogger (which is the only web blog site I can remember off the top of my head, usually I need at least a few days of intense researching before I commit to anything), and type away.

The funny thing is (believe it or not) I suddenly realized that I am at work, not home. My first and ever post, posting from my work, this surely is not a good sign.

How am I suppose to end a post anyways? Damn! Should have do some research first, now I look like an Internet moron.

Chill